I deal very poorly with failure.  I avoid it like crazy, and I like to tell myself it’s not in my nature to ever do so.  I work hard.  I’m a winner.  I failed today.

Today was a big day, pretty normal in many regards, but it was a personal make or break.  On this first day of my 28^th year, I broke.  You see, I’ve been planning on running the Chicago Marathon (on 10.10.10 no less).  I had a great training season, ran a really strong half marathon in August, and have been training well ahead of last season.  Then it hit.  I knew it was coming, but I acted like it wouldn’t matter – these two huge trips on my calendar that I’d been ignoring.

First, vacation.  And oh let me tell you, it was fantastic.  But its funny you see how the maintenance runs I was going to do quickly gave way to 4 hour dinners that went to 12 or 1 AM and mornings spent at the café sipping espresso – while my running shoes stayed in the suitcase.  A small set-back, surely I can bounce back right? And I did.  I spent the next 2 weeks getting back in the rhythm, doing my runs, feeling good.

Then the other shoe dropped.  A trip to Africa for business.  It was awesome, I am so privileged to work with this client and the world-changing stuff they do every day.  It was also 12 days.  A few short runs happened, but the fat lady was starting to sing.  The bus driver was warming up the bus in the parking lot.

All hope was not lost.  Surely, I, a winner, could rise above the fact that I had been traveling 27 of the last 34 days during peak marathon training?  So, I decided that this morning I would go out and do my final 20 miler, power through and be ready for the race.  Well, you’re smart enough to know where this is headed.  I got to mile 12 and realized, or maybe finally admitted, the jig was up, not this year.  I failed.

Let me talk about what I mean.  The decision to go away with my wife, work on our relationship, and our individual selves was brilliant.  I wouldn’t trade that for anything – that was a success.  The chance to do the work I get to do and meet the amazing people I met in Angola and South Africa was something I’m also very thankful for, and I consider that another success.  The moral of the story for me is this – you can’t win at everything.  Did the universe just split?

I think sometimes we lie to ourselves and to each other about failure.  First, we (or maybe I should say I) can act like it doesn’t happen, or if it does that we should hide it.  But the second way is more interesting to me.  I think sometimes we say, “you didn’t really fail, things came up, you made a choice, etc.”  But the truth is you [I] DID fail, it’s just that we don’t have a good handle about how to admit that in our culture.  I had a goal to run the Chicago marathon again this year, and when it comes to that goal I failed.  But in that failure is a whole list of other successes that would have suffered had I met this goal.

So, I’m hardly resolved.  This is still hard for me.  I’m going to have to grit my teeth just to get out there to cheer on my friends like Jeff and Jen among others, who did meet their goal.  It’s going to be brutal to watch them do what I had planned to do.  But I think in this moment I’d just like to say, I failed today, and I’m ok with that.

A recent vacation allowed me to step back and realize parts of this passion had grown weak, some even dormant. I’m sure there are a variety of reasons why, like self-neglect, working too much (and no, that’s not backhanded bragging but a confession), and even neglect of others.  It’s almost like there have been parts of my soul that have become asleep, atrophying from their dusty place on the proverbial shelf.

It has manifested itself in different ways.  I don’t make music like I used to. I hadn’t read a book for fun in months until last week. I quit forcing myself to process and write for something other than work – the result being complete radio silence on this blog.  More than anything I think I had been living without really living for a while without realizing it.

Here’s a song that won’t leave me alone.  It says it better than I’m trying to, and has me thinking about where I invest my love.  Hope it touches you too.  By the way, feeling more awake lately, and I think this is a good thing.

Spoiler Alert:  I am writing about paper.  If you are easily offended by paper you may want to quit reading.

Have you counted the direct (industry nice term) or junk (actual value added) mail you receive in a week lately?  I get a ton of it.  Most of it I have not sought out, but for whatever reason someone has decided I will respond to this endless barrage of re-purposed tree limbs.

Now, to be fair and honest in my reporting, I have occasionally responded.  I’m not sure what that percentage would be, but let’s say for the sake of argument I get an average of 25 pieces of “direct” mail a week, and over the course of the past year I’ve applied for 1 credit card, clipped 20 coupons, and considered 5 miscellaneous promotional offers.   That would mean that 26/1300 pieces of said mail were affective/relevant to me boasting a whopping 2.0% rate of return.

A recent favorite arrived over the weekend.  It was a letter from the Census Bureau (this is not a political statement, and if that’s your game please comment elsewhere – there’s a multitude of places to do that ) informing me that I should be expecting another piece of mail from them in the next week with the actual census enclosed.  That’s right, direct mail, informing me of some impending direct mail.  Absurd.  Other examples include charities that send me reams of paper that have probably more than offset the contributions I’ve made to their organizations under the auspices of helping those in need.

I get that we all need to advertise and communicate.  I do.  But the thought hit me recently, how much resource must that represent?  In a world where many (not all) have access to email and the Internet  (not to mention web 2.0 platforms) isn’t there a better way?  There has to be many other places that resource could be better used – social causes, deficits, community development and jobs to name a few.

The second thought that occurred to me is that it’s partly my fault.  I toss it in the garbage, or run it through my shredder without taking the time to let these organizations know what I think.  I am that lazy.  Week after week I watch this paper roll in, wasting natural, human, and economic resource – and I’m content to blame “those people” for sending it to me.

Perhaps I need to get off my butt and send an email, make a phone call, and help the organizations that are trying to serve me and others serve us better.  Like many other things our actions are our vote, and that vote is often loudest when we do nothing at all.

Some friends of mine run a gathering called Elements here in Chicago.  Their simple vision is that it is a worthwhile endeavor to facilitate conversations about the things that matter most.  These conversations happen periodically in gatherings at different venues around the city.  I wrote the following piece to describe the importance of gatherings like this, you can check out the Elements site, and the original post here.

What is it about “culture”? It is a living, breathing, ever changing aspect in each of our lives. The word itself has too many connotations to fully discuss here. It is widely used in both the micro [c]ulture sense and in the macro [C]ulture sense. In defining c[C]ulture we can fall victim to shallow generalizations on one extreme and narrow specificities on the other.

Business leaders often talk about creating healthy corporate culture, Religious leaders often talk about reaching “the” Culture, our neighborhoods have a culture, and so do our families, book clubs, and favorite watering holes. At Elements, we believe it is at the core of what it means to be human to long for these c[C]ulture[s] to be whole and life-giving places.

However we choose to understand/articulate/discuss it, one thing is true; each of us, by our very presence on the planet, by participating in the exchange of human interaction are shaping and being shaped by c[C]ulture[s] everyday. {An author named Andy Crouch coined this concept of human beings as culture-makers, to check out more click here.}

One of the most basic ways that we make culture is through our conversations. It is for this reason that conversations matter deeply – or at least they should. This specific type of human exchange writes a story – it creates c[C]ulture. This is not conversation in the idle-chatter-to-fill-dead-air sense, but the exchange of ideas in rhythmic step with the actions of our lives. Our conversations are not only what we say but also what we do. These conversations of word and deed write a story of what we value, and in turn shape the world(s) in which we live.

This has massive implications. If our most essentially human interactions create c[C]ulture, and that c[C]ulture in turn becomes a framework that governs our lives, we ought to take these conversations very seriously. Not serious in the sense that we must grapple philosophically at every turn, or that they must never be fun – but that we realize we have a role to play in the shaping of each culture we encounter and the resulting Culture(s) that seemingly “encounter” us.

Many change agents throughout history have advocated the idea of being counter-cultural. At Elements we believe this misses the point. We feel our opportunity lies in becoming more intentionally conver-cultural. To be conver-cultural is to recognize that our conversations, our words and actions, create c[C]ulture – and as such, have the power to change the world.

At Elements we hope in some small way to foster the space necessary for these types of conversations – the conversations that create positive c[C]ulture. This isn’t something we can manufacture or sell – it must be a collective effort. We’re all already conversing, but what are we making? It’s time we all became aware of the conversations we’re having and listen to the conversations happening around us. It’s time for us to be conver-cultural – in our words and our actions.

For a variety of really great reasons like family, work, travel, and the holidays we didn’t get around to this conversation till an entire week of 2010 had transpired – oh well, better late than never!  So this past Saturday, we holed up in a really cool pub, ate a long lunch, had a drink, and had a nice long talk.

It looks pretty simple.  We ask each other general questions like, what went really well last year?  What didn’t go so well?  As we’re sitting here in this spot next year what would have happened?

This is not ground breaking stuff, it sounds a lot like your run-of-the-mill New Year’s resolution – but I think it matters A LOT.  You see, here’s the difference: This year will either happen to you by accident, or what I’ve just ridiculously termed “intentionally on purpose.”

The distance between these two postures is a lot greater than I think many of us first assume.  There’s power in naming something, expressing it, saying it to another human being, or at least writing it down for yourself.  It is one thing to privately hold a dream or goal, but it takes courage to express it, to breathe into existence the chance for success or failure.

I know many of you reading this (if anyone is reading this at all) probably have a similar practice.  BUT, if you don’t, or you haven’t gotten around to it yet this year, I highly recommend it.  I’m going to try to live my days, weeks, and months this year intentionally on purpose.  There are enough accidents in life; I don’t want my role in the outcome of this next year to be one of them.

Ok, so maybe I’m not about to have a Costanza moment, but I have been truly busy the past several months, and the pace is definitely going to continue through the end of the year.  Now, I know what you’re thinking…”So what, aren’t we all?”  Well yes, in fact I think most of us are.

That’s why this morning I’m thinking about the holiday on Thursday and the need to take a deep breath.  Even as I write this post I’m preparing for my day ahead and I’m thinking about everything coming in the week ahead.  As I talk to friends, colleagues, family members I know you’re all in the same boat.

I’m not sure what it will look like for you, and I’m still trying to figure out what it will look like for me – but stop, everything coming at us is still coming, but it’s not here, yet.   Sure, it will be.  Should we be preparing and planning?  Yes, probably.  Is that all you/we should I ever do?  I hope not – it seems to me that there should be a whole lot more to life than planning.

That’s it, not deep, hardly profound – but I know I need to stop and take a deep breath, and if you’re anything like me you may be in need of that exercise as well.

Momentum and secession in a double helix.

Growing in one sense like a new limb.

Also falling as a departing leaf.

Not quite old, but true youth a foreigner.

Bursts of freedom salted with beckoning commitments.

Assured of change, and yet how much?

Voices clamor for attention in the midst of evolving devotions.

Largely unfettered but moorings stand ready.

Not wanting in any real sense.

Thankful yet discontent with stillness.

Striding with new legs – known previously, but differently.

Another year.

I feel this little guy’s pain.  It’s been a couple weeks and I have not posted.  I feel like I’m in the corner with the giant hat writing “I will blog today” which turns into “I will blog this week” and all the while hoping it does not further evolve into “I will blog this month.”

I’m not entirely sure what it all means.  One thing I know, a professional blogger I am not.  This is not a devastating fact in the least, as that’s not at all what I’ve been attempting here.  However, I do feel like for whatever reason I hit a slump in my rhythm of posting – one that I would like to climb out of.  Chalk it up to life getting busy, inspiration and time to write passing each other like two ships in the night, or laziness – either way I’ve assigned myself to virtual detention to atone for my transgressions.

So, that’s it for now.  This post has probably been as much for me as for anyone else who will read it (so I apologize if you’re feeling like you want those 45 seconds back), but I’ve punished my self, and I’m hoping I learned my lesson…at least until the next time .

For the last 12 days the site has been dedicated to raising money for World Vision through the Chicago Marathon on October 11^th. In a little over a week we raised $1,000 – I think that’s something to celebrate.

I’ve been so encouraged and inspired by the generosity of Perpetual Becoming readers.    I’m also not surprised.  As I’ve interacted with many of you both online and off I know this is simply who you are. That being said, please allow me to say THANK  YOU!  It has been fun to raise this money together, I feel tons of support going into the race, and it was a great birthday present.

It has also been a reminder for me of the positive power of social media and technology.  There is plenty of material out there pertaining to what social media is and what it isn’t; the pros/cons, positives and pitfalls, etc.

I acknowledge the common critiques that include narcissism, voyeurism, consumerism (and other isms ) – and I think the potential danger of these by-products is real.  I also think there exists an equally compelling list of positives. I’m not an expert nor do I wish to produce my own treatise on social media, but for me this has been a reminder of why I choose to spend time in this space.

Technologies like Twitter, Facebook, and this blog, allowed me to engage my relationships with you all that span geography, various life stages, and varying degrees of familiarity with relative ease on the Interwebs; this would have been impossible to realize through other mediums.

I think this is a beautiful thing and it points to a strength of social media: relationships. While some of the relationships I have online are primarily conducted online, more often than not they also have had, or do have an offline component – or they will someday.  I love how both of these spaces work together as relationships evolve, grow, and change.

I think the more we are connected to each other, the better we become as individuals.  Social media platforms unleash the power that exists in each of us as we relate to one another in friendship, and in this case they even allow us to reach out to strangers in great need of our resources.

I’ll stop there, as I said many others have written comprehensive thoughts on this topic (just google it) – but I think this was clearly a win.  Thanks again for reading, contributing, and engaging the thoughts on this blog and this specific opportunity to work together to help others.

If you’re a regular reader of Perpetual Becoming you know I’m running the Chicago Marathon this fall.  The time is rapidly approaching (the race is on October 11^th) – I can hardly believe it.  If you want to read more about some of thoughts I’ve had along the way you can here or here.

I’m also using this race to help raise money for the humanitarian organization World Vision.  Now, I want you to hear me on this.  I’m under no delusions that running a race will solve all of the social injustices in Africa or anything of that nature (we talked more about this issue in Aid vs. Trade) – but I do think it’s a chance to leverage a challenge I’m undertaking and the resources represented by people like you and me (read wealthy compared to the majority of the planet) to support things like providing clean water to those who need it and feeding people who are hungry.

So, who doesn’t like a contest and/or a reason to be involved in something like this?  I’ll answer for you, no one!  That being the case, I’m going to give you one.

This Tuesday is my birthday, and for my birthday I would like you to consider sponsoring me to run the Chicago Marathon with a donation to World Vision.  By the end of my birthday I would like to be well on the way or have met the fundraising goal of $1,000.

I’m going to put up the first $50 now and the last $50 when we make it to $1,000 – I think it’s only fair if I ask you to give that I give also.  I’ve got 100’s of friends, family members, and acquaintances on Facebook, Twitter, and this site – all this would take is 18 of you to give $50 – let’s be honest most of us would never even feel that. So, please consider my entirely shameless request for a birthday gift and donate here.